I just got
back from the most amazing weekend, Kairos #52 at Tutwiler Prison. It was so
special and I’ve been feeling a need to write about it. I’ve written
about Kairos before. And some of those earlier entries are no doubt better worded than this one. At this time, I still can't quite put my heart into words. Much to ponder. But I'm going to try a little.
I don’t want
to talk about what happens. Not right now. I do want to talk about the changes
I saw in 36 beautiful ladies and how love won! Again! But those stories are so
very precious and so many of them can’t be told. And even the ones that can,
they are still pretty deep in my heart and I don’t think I can do them justice
by talking about them. But know that
Christ’s love and power and forgiveness ruled! So many hearts were changed.
Know that women who were dead inside came alive. Know that we did not take Christ into that
prison. He was already there working and loving – we simply visited Him there
and joined in alongside what He was already doing! Know that community was experienced and walls
came down. It was a holy, beautiful, amazing time.
But right
now I want to talk about what I experienced, because writing about it helps me
process it. I was leading this weekend.
But yet, not really. Christ was
leading this weekend and was carrying me along with him. Twice in my life now I’ve had an experience
where I was doing something so outside my comfort zone and yet felt no anxiety
about it. I felt that way during my
adoption of my oldest daughter. There
was a peace that surrounded the entire process and I felt like I didn’t have to
do anything but come along for the ride.
I don’t know if that makes sense. But this weekend was the 2nd
experience I had like that. I knew I was right where I was meant to be and no
matter what obstacles were thrown out, they couldn’t shake my sense of peace
because the peace came from Christ himself. I’m a “figure out-er”. When there’s a problem, I’ll mull over it and
think about it and try to figure out a solution. And I’ll 2nd guess
and question whether it’s the right decision. But some things are just beyond
our control. Prison Ministry is one of them. When obstacles came up, I had to
act. But I didn’t act based on my own
assessment of what to do. I didn’t spend time trying to “figure out”
solutions. I just tried to surround
those obstacles with prayer and let God guide me. That’s not always easy for
me. But in this experience, it just was. Of course, there were a whole lot of
people praying and I could feel those prayers.
They were so strong! I didn’t do
a lot of 2nd guessing or questioning of decisions. And that peace surrounded me all weekend. I
almost lost the peace once, just once. I
was telling someone what the obstacle was and she looked me in the eyes and
said “and your concern with that is?” and I paused. And then I answered “nothing.
I’m not worried about this”, and as I said those words, they were true. I meant
them, and peace ruled. Here’s just one
example. We experienced a tornado drill in
the prison. And for several reasons, it
disheartened our participants. They had
to sit on the floor on one side of the chapel and we had to sit on the floor on
the other side. Two officers stood
between us. They were embarrassed, maybe partially because it was a harsh
reminder of prison life in the middle of a weekend that otherwise provided a
little relief from it. And we were
separated – which felt wrong after we’d spent the previous 2 days building them
up and breaking down walls and sharing how we’re not so different. It was just hard on them and you could see it
on their faces. (Interestingly, more
than a few of us team members were teachers and thought absolutely nothing
about having to sit on the floor for a tornado drill). One participant spoke the words
aloud, “I’m embarrassed”. Some got a
little angry. Yet I felt no anxiety or
worry. And that could only come from
God! I simply glanced behind me at the team, saw half of them with their heads
bowed praying, and then I did the same.
I don’t know what they prayed, but I felt a spirit of calmness. And I prayed God would show me how to
communicate that this was okay. And He did.
I didn’t think about it, I didn’t 2nd guess myself. When the
drill was over I just went to the microphone confidently and knew what words
needed to come out of my mouth. It wasn’t
a lot. It wasn’t fancy. The words themselves weren’t anything special. I don’t even remember exactly what they
were. But something about wanting them
to know we were not phased by what had just happened and we did not see them as
a number or a uniform. They were children of God and we were going to put it
behind us and move on. That was not me –
I don’t do that. I don’t know what to
say to calm a situation. I don’t know how to think on my feet for that kind of
thing. I didn’t even try. I simply asked
for help, and it was there and all was good. Peace ruled!
And of
course, peace should have ruled! God had every prayer answered and every detail
covered! Choosing trust, and prayer, and love is so very easy in that little
prison chapel. And yet, I am challenged because choosing trust, and prayer, and
love is not so easy every day. And my
challenge and my prayer is that I will learn to love as freely, pray as boldly,
and trust as faithfully in my “free world” life as I do in my “prison life”.
